Appreciation, attention, validation — You are looking for it ever since you were born. It’s good to be loved, respected, seen. So why some people are desperately looking for external validation and denying themselves the right to make decisions?

External validation starts with family.

Love and respect start from the family. Healthy societies show love for kids by giving them appreciation. Along with critique, such children receive compliments for what was done right. Their teachers and parent believe in them and they often tell them about it. More than that they encourage them to think big and start something, like a lemonade stand or YouTube channel.

Yet in many countries, appreciation is almost prohibited. It’s often shown as a sign of weakness.
Perhaps you know how it feels when everyone from parents to teachers and bosses, are trying to improve your skills by pointing to your mistakes. Generations of people from such countries feel unloved, underappreciated, neglected. They only know how to criticize and are afraid of appreciation. At the same time, they are desperately looking for someone to validate their skills and rarely trust their judgment. They work much harder than others and often become high achievers, except they never enjoy results.

Working with many experts from post-Soviet countries, I’ve noticed how self-criticism doesn’t allow them to achieve the rewards, they deserve. Those under-loved are often suffering from depression and the inability to love. They often can’t identify their true self. They are subconsciously looking for external validation and are enabled to give love because no one ever taught them how.

On the other hand, people who feel confident, supported, loved become successful faster. They believe in their potential. They know that their work will be appreciated and they expect to be rewarded for the job they do. If they don’t receive the reward or it’s not enough, they start looking for better opportunities. They get better jobs because they know their value and are more satisfied with their position and salary. They are requesting promotion confidently and moving faster on the career ladder.

Does seeking external validation affects business?

When underappreciated people become entrepreneurs, they tend to hide. They refuse to show up consistently and sabotage their visibility. They are avoiding leadership and feel uncomfortable in a decision making position. They are always overwhelmed, tired as they are working more than others. As they don’t believe in themselves, they are often reducing their prices and do a lot of work for free.

It’s a very broad picture, each situation will have a lot of additional factors, such as personality type, the level of expertise, circumstances. Yet, confident active individuals who believe in themselves will attract more clients in business and become more popular by showing up and connecting with people.

And if you recognized yourself, you can change it! You need to know that you deserve love, appreciation and rewards for your job! There are many ways to do it, from mindfulness to affirmations and exercises to professional therapy.

P.S. This post is rather a food for thought concerning the necessity of love and acceptance from society and family. Because people who were loved as kids and teenagers can love back, able to open their hearts and trust.

But what these underappreciated people can do to improve their situation? They can start with self-love and appreciation. Yet, more importantly with the tremendous self-discipline, that stops from falling into negative self-talk and by keeping themselves in the high vibration and good mood consciously. Easy to say? Yes. But it’s the cure and it works long-term, even if sometimes it can be bitter.

When I was at school, I tried to blend in. My parents are artists, and I was very different from the other children at the local school. I developed a habit of hiding. My mind told me it was a good idea, that it was safer to be invisible and to act like everyone else, so nobody could harm me for thinking differently.

After twenty years in the advertising and branding industry, where I built many unique and powerful brands, I started my own branding business. That was a pivotal moment, because this time I had to brand myself and be visible, but I only knew how to blend in.

I needed to build my brand foundations, and I was terrified.

I quickly realised I had no clue who I was, what my “big why” was, or who I wanted to work with. “Luckily” I knew what business model I wanted. I say “luckily” because I was wrong. I missed one important thing: to make this model sustainable, I would have to invest a lot. I realised quite quickly that many of my ideas were wrong and that I had missed fundamental aspects of my brand. So, even with 17 years of experience at the time, I had to start from scratch.

I knew I had to be in alignment with my audience and my business vision, but I did not know how to achieve it.

• First, I did not know who I wanted to be in my customer’s eyes. I had a habit of blending in and did not know how to be visible. I was the person behind the camera, and now I had to be in front of it. So I dug deeper and learned a lot about brand archetypes and personality frameworks such as MBTI. It was incredibly helpful, but it was not enough. Not all videos convert viewers into buyers.
  Check out this free video training and receive a free content planning Trello board: “How to Create Live Videos That Convert Viewers into Buyers”.
• Second, I researched my audience. And I have to tell you this: there is no single theory that will give you the right answer. That is why I teach my clients not just theory, but how to research and get real answers from their prospects. They get the systems and guidelines that help them find what they actually need to know.
• Third, I checked my resources, time and money, and changed my business model, knowing I could refine it over time. For that, I had to revise my business vision and create a plan.

Practice is key.

The only thing that truly helps you find the answers is practice. I implemented, tested, adjusted, and fixed things for two years until I understood the biggest gap I see in traditional branding for coaches and experts online. Many people build an “empty wrapping”, logos, colours, templates, without building the brand from the inside out. And they do it for a reason.

• Reason number one is fear. They do not believe in themselves. They do not believe in their business, and therefore they do not plan long term.
• Reason number two is lack of knowledge. They invest in the wrapping instead of the brand, because they do not understand what a holistic approach really means. Your brand is an image in your customer’s mind, not just a logo.
• Reason number three is time. Corporates can invest ten years into brand development and implementation without blinking. As individuals, we need to become visible and position ourselves as experts faster.

That is why I always recommend video marketing for building a personal brand online.

I was so scared to go live that I postponed it for four years. I met every visibility block and excuse. But when I finally did it, and then did it again and again, it changed my understanding of who I really am. The experience was scary, but it helped me and my clients reveal and overcome visibility blocks quickly. They became more confident and reached the right prospects faster.

That is why I can say this with full honesty: if you want to build your personal brand online, start with video. Build your visibility muscles.

Check out the Visibility Gym Challenge. It is paid, and it brings results for people who are ready to practise. Fear of the camera can be beaten in 10 days, and your confidence will grow.

“If you want to build your personal brand online, start with video!”