Appreciation, attention, validation — You are looking for it ever since you were born. It’s good to be loved, respected, seen. So why some people are desperately looking for external validation and denying themselves the right to make decisions?
External validation starts with family.
Love and respect start from the family. Healthy societies show love for kids by giving them appreciation. Along with critique, such children receive compliments for what was done right. Their teachers and parent believe in them and they often tell them about it. More than that they encourage them to think big and start something, like a lemonade stand or YouTube channel.
Yet in many countries, appreciation is almost prohibited. It’s often shown as a sign of weakness.
Perhaps you know how it feels when everyone from parents to teachers and bosses, are trying to improve your skills by pointing to your mistakes. Generations of people from such countries feel unloved, underappreciated, neglected. They only know how to criticize and are afraid of appreciation. At the same time, they are desperately looking for someone to validate their skills and rarely trust their judgment. They work much harder than others and often become high achievers, except they never enjoy results.
Working with many experts from post-Soviet countries, I’ve noticed how self-criticism doesn’t allow them to achieve the rewards, they deserve. Those under-loved are often suffering from depression and the inability to love. They often can’t identify their true self. They are subconsciously looking for external validation and are enabled to give love because no one ever taught them how.
On the other hand, people who feel confident, supported, loved become successful faster. They believe in their potential. They know that their work will be appreciated and they expect to be rewarded for the job they do. If they don’t receive the reward or it’s not enough, they start looking for better opportunities. They get better jobs because they know their value and are more satisfied with their position and salary. They are requesting promotion confidently and moving faster on the career ladder.
Does seeking external validation affects business?
When underappreciated people become entrepreneurs, they tend to hide. They refuse to show up consistently and sabotage their visibility. They are avoiding leadership and feel uncomfortable in a decision making position. They are always overwhelmed, tired as they are working more than others. As they don’t believe in themselves, they are often reducing their prices and do a lot of work for free.
It’s a very broad picture, each situation will have a lot of additional factors, such as personality type, the level of expertise, circumstances. Yet, confident active individuals who believe in themselves will attract more clients in business and become more popular by showing up and connecting with people.
And if you recognized yourself, you can change it! You need to know that you deserve love, appreciation and rewards for your job! There are many ways to do it, from mindfulness to affirmations and exercises to professional therapy.
P.S. This post is rather a food for thought concerning the necessity of love and acceptance from society and family. Because people who were loved as kids and teenagers can love back, able to open their hearts and trust.
But what these underappreciated people can do to improve their situation? They can start with self-love and appreciation. Yet, more importantly with the tremendous self-discipline, that stops from falling into negative self-talk and by keeping themselves in the high vibration and good mood consciously. Easy to say? Yes. But it’s the cure and it works long-term, even if sometimes it can be bitter.